You’re in a relationship you think with your best friend. Then after a few years, it takes a sad turn and ends. It’s awful. You share everything with someone and then one day it’s just done, over. In my case I was married for 17 years (separated for 4 and a half of them) and we rarely argued, got along amazing and were the couple everyone looked to as the example of true love. Sadly, after 17 years we ended up divorced. Both people have to want to reconcile. While I was going through the unraveling of my marriage, and the limbo phase of separation, I was oblivious to why we couldn’t just decide to forgive and create a new life together. We loved each other. We got along great! So where did it go wrong? What were the deal breakers?
There are many Long-Term Relationship Deal Breakers. In our case it was a simple case of a man who wanted to make his wife happy and lost himself in the process combined with me, a codependent at the time who looked for love and validation outside of myself. Other things broke it and these things break many relationships. So, now that I decided to use my lessons to help others as a Certified Professional Dating & Relationship Coach, I share this list of a few doozeys to look out for.
1. You enter the relationship for the wrong reasons.
Many people are “tired of the dating scene” or “tired of coming home to an empty home.” So, their reason for a relationship becomes one about filling a void. This sets up the trap of a conditional and codependent relationship. The reason people “grow apart” is because they are making the other person responsible for their own happiness. We are always changing so what we want changes. Change is inevitable and it is good. This is why when we are fully responsible for our own happiness and love ourselves first, most and always, we bring a complete whole, happy person with much to give to a relationship and not just take. Every couple I work with gets into trouble because they love conditionally. Meaning, they need their partner to behave a certain way to make them happy and then get angry when they don’t. No one is put here to make anyone happy. The happier we make ourselves the better we are for each other.
2. You don’t love yourself first, most and always.
There are so many people out there who don’t realize that they don’t love themselves. I don’t mean this as a form of conceit. I’m talking about taking 100% responsibility for your happiness and giving yourself the love you want to receive from another. Every. Single. Day.
3. You focus on the bad so you evoke more negativity.
Set an intention to always operate from a place of respect, compassion, love, and trust. What we focus on we create more of, good or bad so focus on the positive aspects of your partner to evoke more of them. When you focus on what irks you about them, your attention to those things will heighten and you will attract more of that. When you mind your manners, say please, thank you and acknowledge all the positive qualities that strengthens the bond. Gratitude and appreciation for one another is key. Be a team!
4. A disrespectful tone.
It’s not so much about what the disagreements are about but the tone and energy in which they are discussed. Belittling someone and making them feel less than or unworthy is mean. It’s a form of bullying. When you no longer communicate to understand, but instead communicate to be right, manipulate and coerce, that’s a deal breaker. You’re not going to agree on everything but always communicate with the intent to understand. Don’t argue with ego. Discuss and reach solutions with love.
5. A lack of boundaries with parents and extended family.
There are couples who will get into epic arguments about family obligations. Whether it’s deciding who is hosting holiday dinners, if they will or won’t attend certain family events; dealing with extended family is an issue that may drive a wedge between a couple if not approached as a unified front. The key is that you both act as a team working to solve whatever “issue” comes. If parents and siblings are making demands or are not respecting your boundaries as a couple, then it’s important to hold true to what works for you as a couple.
6. You’re on the “work, pay bills and die” hamster wheel of life.
You get married, buy the house, move up the ladder in business (or not), have some kids (or not) and feel like the only difference there is from one day to the next is the outfit you wore to work. You live for the weekends and maybe if lucky, two vacations a year. Your life is a misery loves company middle class grind. The western middle-class work ethic is a trap. Instead work together as a team to agree on the purpose of the marriage, the bigger goal and contribution. What’s your true passion? How do you want to live life? What do you want to create in the world together? Ask the bigger questions and work together to create a big future you deserve.
About Lisa Concepcion:
Lisa Concepcion, Dating & Relationship Transformation Expert and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching™ specializes in helping people transform their love lives within 30 days. Through group workshops and one-on-one programs, Lisa quickly empowers people to clearly define the relationship they want then helps them to adopt the mindset necessary to create it. Lisa is a recognized life coach specializing in dating, relationships, self-love and divorce with the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, endorsed by the International Coaching Federation. She’s based in Miami Beach and serves as a mobile dating and relationship expert to the masses by conducting sessions remotely via video conference to help people worldwide.