Ghostaphobia: How to Fight the Fear of Being Ghosted
The fear of being ghosted is real. I get so many clients coming to me with dating anxiety all related to the trauma of being ghosted on. Their stories are all alike. They started seeing someone, thought things were going great, started to have feelings and then the person they are dating disappears. This leads to “ghostaphobia” and they want to know how they can fight their fear of being ghosted on so they can date from a place of peace.
The first 3 months of any relationship can be the most magical. It’s that new courtship phase when you can’t get enough of each other. It’s the time for the 2-hour phone conversations where you count to three so you hang up the phone at the same time.
However, for many, this early phase of the relationships also comes with severe anxiety.
Many people are anxious that they won’t ever meet someone and then once they do, they are anxious that their new found person, will ghost them.
People are so afraid to get ghosted on that they aren’t even enjoying the early few weeks or months of a relationship. They’re enjoying dates. Then when the dates end the anxiety sets in. They over-analyze what was said, who texted last and drive themselves nuts.
Technology, dating apps and social media is definitely to blame. There’s easier access to so many more people. There’s more dating insecurity because of it and it affects both men and women.
However, here is where The Law of Attraction comes into play. What we think we create. So when we focus on what we fear and that’s dominant with us we’ll attract it. It’s best to shift the mind into appreciation. This is often difficult to do especially if you’ve been ghosted on before.
I had a male client, 38 years old, handsome, college educated, a financial estate manager. He was seeing a woman for four months. He was falling for her. She ran into her old college boyfriend and that was that. She never called, no email, nothing. “I was blocked on all social media. I thought someone stole her phone. I thought something happened to her. I even reached out to her sister to make sure she was oaky. I felt like a fool,” he shared.
He came to me for coaching 6 months after that happened saying he felt excessively anxious about dating. He had gotten the ghostaphobia. We had to go to work to cure it.
My current client is a female in her early 30’s and she was ghosted on after really liking a guy. She hadn’t dated anyone in a while because of it and fears her anxiousness about being ghosted on can actually drive away a guy she’s currently seeing for about 2 months. From what she’s told me his actions are those of a guy who is genuinely interested in her, her friends, a guy who has zero intention of ghosting her.
I want to help with with her ghostaphobia so that her constant need of reassurance doesn’t turn him off.
So how can people date from a position of power and purpose without the fear of being ghosted?
1. Pack your schedule.
One of the best ways to fight the fear of being ghosted is to be so busy that you simply don’t have time to obsess over when the person you are dating last contacted you. When you’re busy with work, friends, the gym, errands, tending to a pet, and family, you don’t realize it’s been 8 hours since you’ve spoken. You’re in your zone living your busy life.
2. Get focused on your goals.
When you make the relationship your top priority, you’re setting yourself up for major anxiety. Your life, your goals, is top priority. Then you invite a person in to your robust life with a clear direction. When you know where you’re headed regardless of who joins you, you’re not going to fear being ghosted. If someone chooses to step aside you keep moving forward.
3. Discipline your inner 5-year-old that is running the show in your love life.
A lot of the work I do for people involves deep understanding of their ego, otherwise known as the often-fearful inner child who wants to stay safe. When we don’t tend to this wounded version of ourselves, they take over.
They’re the one’s having too much to drink and then texting the new person at 1:30am. They’ll say things like, “I wish they would tell me that they want to see me.” “I haven’t spoken to them all day. I hope they still like me.” This is the inner child calling out for the soothing it never got and so desperately needs but from you as an adult, not a partner.
People are looking for others to soothe their inner child. They’re entering relationships for the wrong reasons focusing on “the get” instead of “the give.”
The good news is through the coaching I offer, my clients learn how to reconnect and re-parent their inner child and give them the attention, love and discipline they need to feel safe and secure.
4. Want don’t need.
When you have your inner child under control, offer love, emotional nourishment and they know they are never alone; you are able to want a partner without needing them.
That needy energy is suffocating and repelling. Wanting is nice. We all want to be wanted. There’s a nice confidence to being wanted. It’s essentially being chosen.
When I say I want my boyfriend to come over to watch the Yankee Game, it’s a very different energy from saying I need him to come over. I don’t need him to come over to watch the Yankee Game. I want him to. I can watch the game by myself or with friends. However, I do need him to figure out how to stream the game to my TV and I want to learn how to do it. See the difference?
The words we use have power. When people feel that needy energy they feel smothered and even manipulated. Emotionally immature people will want to avoid the intense emotional interaction of a break up, so they just ghost. Pathetic.
5. Communicate with confidence.
Know what you want. Get very clear on your dating style and communicate it effectively.
Here’s a little rule I would like to empower people with.
Ladies, if you have sex with a man, you no longer have to tip-toe around your decision to text or call him. When you feel like texting or calling, do it. Consider sexy your access pass to communication. Just don’t be desperate blowing up his phone. Be a lady and never text a man after 10pm on a weeknight in the beginning. Have healthy boundaries. Send the right message.
Men, if you take a woman out on some expensive date, and you want to text or call her, do so. Just be a gentleman and cut off the communication after 10pm. Bit her goodnight and be done.
Do you know what your dating style is? If you don’t, consider getting clarity around that. You’ll remove any anxiety about ghosting if you are clear about how you date from the start.
Do you like to focus on one person at a time or do you date several people at once?
If you’re dating multiple people, then you have zero leg to stand on when it comes to being afraid of being ghosted on. Sorry.
For those of you who aren’t just dating for fun and because it beats staying in, and you actually want a relationship not free dinners or sex, then you probably prefer to date one person at a time.
Say so.
I often help clients create scripts that resonate and feel authentic for them that communicate where you are in life, what you want to give and are worthy of in a powerful way that is very well received.
This lessens the likelihood of being ghosted.
The more work we do on ourselves, the more we heal and show up for ourselves. When we show up for ourselves emotionally, then we can share a whole person with another. We’re no longer needy and clingy and anxious all the time.
We can really enjoy courtship and feel confident in relationships at any stage.
When you’re insecure on the inside, people can and will ghost. You’ll attract the ones who do. When you’re navigating your own emotional ship, then you won’t attract people who ghost. You simply won’t be a vibrational match to emotionally immature people.
Ghosting means abandonment. So ask yourself where in your life are you abandoning yourself? Soothe that and you won’t have to fear anyone ever leaving you. If any of this struck a chord feel free to connect with me. Happy to help you.