Originally written October 2015. I study Kabbalah. It urges us to always connect to “The Light,” the divine force of all that is great and pure and blessed that resides within us. In life we are often brought into darkness. We forget that the light within is ours to illuminate at any time. It shows us the way to joy, love, prosperity and all we desire. In March 2015, I began yet another cycle from darkness to light in my own life. I collided with another soul who was in his cycle of darkness to light. Our time together was and forever will be an incredibly cherished part of my process.
March 2015, I had learned that my ex-husband was dating another woman. We had been already separated or 4.5 years yet, I clung on to hope that we, maybe someday, would reconcile. I punished myself and was unkind to myself out of guilt and created a prison of sorts from 2005 to 2015. I was about to be freed. I learned that my then husband had feelings for a woman strong enough that he had to tell me, I knew it was time to divorce.
I have a code that I live by. When another woman is involved, I don’t compete. I never had to and I never will. I back off with grace and dignity. This news and the finality of my marriage of 17 years, the 24 year friendship; all the good, bad, in between rushed at me and sent me into a deep, dark emotional swirl.
During this wave of darkness, I posted an image on Facebook that would (as the universe would have it) appear in the feed of a man who I initially connected with months before for business purpose. He wanted me to write a marketing plan for his business and an art project he was working on. Thinking back to the innocence of that initial meeting only makes me respect the universe and how it operates. Fast forward 4 months from that initial meeting, my phone rings catching me in the middle of my darkness. As I’ll come to learn, he was in a place of darkness too. Like attracts like.
I answered the phone thinking he was finally ready to move forward with the work project. I needed the work. I was looking for something to distract me from the darkness. However, his call came with a different intention. It was pure kindness. He saw my sad Facebook post and extended himself as a friend. “Lisa, are you okay?” He asked me with the most sincere, caring voice I’ve heard in a long while. I fell apart. “Noooo,” I answered.
He asked me what happened and I proceeded to ramble on and on about my entire life, my marriage, my 4.5 years separated and everything that brought me to this phone call with him. This kind soul on the other end of the call just listened. He ran his errands, did all the things he had to do while simultaneously taking in my every word. He shared his pain too. At first it was just enough to let me know he was going through a terrible break up, also was divorced and recently found himself in deep darkness. We bonded in this darkness.
We started off as friends and would check in with each other. We tried to see one another but it wouldn’t pan out. Then one day he was coming to my part of town for a work meeting and texted me. “I’ll be near you today. Want to grab lunch?” “Sure! That would be great.” We met for lunch and upon my arrival I went in for a hug. We revealed so much over the phone in the prior two weeks and he was so kind to me that I had to hug him. When he hugged me back he held the back of my head. It filled me with warmth and peace instantly.
We sat down and talked, we ate oysters and mussels and enjoyed the company of someone we just clicked with. There was no agenda. We were friends. I didn’t see him any other way. That shift would come a few hours later. We left our lunch with me agreeing to call him later to tell him about how my dinner with my then husband went. It was my ex-husband’s birthday that same day. I was going to take him out to dinner despite our pending divorce and the raw, brutal emotions I was feeling. As it turns out, my husband cancelled just hours before we were supposed to get together. My sadness turned into fury and the first person I called was my new friend, my new, soft place to fall.
“Are you going to be around later? You’re not going to believe this.” I told him dinner was cancelled and I would come to find him instead. I did. I came at him like a fireball. I was operating on pure emotion. I was going with feelings, dark feelings. I walked into the restaurant and noticed he was different. He was more his actual self. Gone was the formal, professional suit. He was relaxed in track pants, sneakers and a t-shirt. He saw me and smiled and as I sat beside him I felt an energy shift. I started to see the real him and I was attracted to it. Like attracts like.
We continued our conversation and I continued to drink Zacapa (rum) and gingers like a pirate. After 2 hours of eating steak and talking about our pasts and desires for our futures; where we had been and where we’d like to go, I was buzzed. I was ok to drive in skill but legally? No way. He offered me his bed and he would take the sofa. We went back to his place and he immediately set up his bed for me, and his sofa for him. He is a gentleman. He’s older. He’s a dad to two beautiful women. He’s not some punk led by his dick, looking to get laid. This is a man who is led by his heart and both of our hearts were broken and in desperate need of gentle care.
Once he realized I was in his home and it was just the two of us, he acted weird, shy and his vibe shifted. “What’s the matter, you’re being weird,” I asked. He reminded me that he’s a man, and that I’m a beautiful woman and that it has been a while since he last had a woman in his home. Looking back now and knowing what I know, this moment was huge for him emotionally. Back then all I saw was a man who was open and honest and vulnerable. He trusted me. He shared so much with me and all I could do is walk up to him and kiss him. That kiss would change the trajectory of our lives. It was as if we were both in need of oxygen and our kiss resuscitated us.
What followed was a whirlwind romance. It was as if the clouds parted and we decided to be happy both because we sincerely yearned to be and because it was a form of revenge on those who brought us pain in the first place. We knew that how we reacted to the pain inflicted upon us by others was totally our choosing. It didn’t matter, we were very sad and instantly the light was turned onto our dark worlds.
He’d later describe it as a deep dark well. He fell into it a long time ago, presumed he wouldn’t get out and made due. He got comfortable in the darkness of the well. He thought he was alone in this well until he heard my voice trying to get out. “Is anyone there?” “Yes, I’m Lisa! I fell in here and I want to get out! There’s a rope. I can’t reach it. If you can, we can help each other out of here.” We got ourselves out of this dark well and into the light. We went from darkness to light and once there, we poured all the love we so desperately wanted into one another. Things moved fast! My rational mind knew this. My rational self was always hovering over me as I was enjoying sharing, bonding and falling for this beautiful man as he fell for me.
My rational mind knew this pace, this momentum would soon shift and when it did, I’d be forever changed. Within a month we were traveling together. His ex-girlfriend who he would talk about often, was calling him. She was in hot pursuit. She knew he was traveling with me and it rattled her. After 2 years of drama and emotional stress, mean words and belittling him, she left him and it literally broke his heart. He decided he was better without her and that her brand of darkness was even too dark for him. He wanted light and peace! He attracted me. Like attracts like.
At this point it’s June 2015, and my divorce was set for July 13th 2015. I was ok with it. I thought I had so much time while separated that I reached a breaking point and had to move forward. When alone, I’d have my moments of sadness over my divorce. My boyfriend would warn me it would be heavy emotions. I was okay with it. I’d have a thought, go down a path of regret and guilt again, but I would quickly be swept up in new fun plans with the new boyfriend. My mind would go from darkness to light. His would too. This is what we did for one another.
Our trip was amazing despite staying in the same hotel he stayed at with his ex-girlfriend which had trauma associated with it. Their trip resulted in a jeep accident where he broke his knee. Interestingly my ex-husband and I stayed at the same hotel in 2007. Staying there again with the new boyfriend was a red flag and I ignored it. I didn’t insist we stay elsewhere. All was well. The universe was in control. We bonded more on our trip, fell deeper for each other and I left feeling secure and happy. This was really happening!
When we returned the whirlwind had subsided. We were still spending a lot of time together bonding even more as more truths were revealed about his pain. He was still sorting through it. I was moving forward and was encouraging him to do the same but it was tough. Despite our happiness and the desire for more of it, he would still have days where it was as if a wave brought him out to sea. He would bob around for a few days only to see a lighthouse in the distance. That lighthouse he said was me! He’d find his way back to me. Light would shine on the darkness sustaining us until the next storm came. I’d remind him his past is done. His future is whatever he wants it to be and we want it to be joyous and peaceful. We both felt the same way.
What followed was 5 months of emotional ups and downs. The ups had lifted us to the top of the world. We fell deeply in love and I felt so connected to divine source. We dreamed of a great life together. There was power, love and great intention packed behind those words. He told me he wanted to be with me every day that he wanted to fall asleep and wake up together all the time. Eventually he’d probably have grandchildren and even though he told me he wished he met me sooner to create life with me; (no man ever said this to me ever) that he was happy for all we would share in the future.
I met his daughter; face timed with his other daughter and met his ex-wife. All was well. My heart was full of light for a run that would typically last about 10-14 days. We glowed!! But then a trigger would come and darkness would try to take over again. I couldn’t continue like this. I’m sensitive and this up and down wasn’t good for me. My rational self knew this. I didn’t want to abandon him. I had to figure out how I can be there for him as well as myself.
The thoughts would go back to his ex-girlfriend. He knew he didn’t want to be with her. He knew she was nothing but darkness and drama and just a heaviness that was completely opposite to what he experienced with me. Yet, for some reason his regression towards her frustrated him and made him feel guilty. He still harbored unsettled, unsorted feelings for his ex and despite knowing his feelings for me mattered and were real, he knew he had to handle his past to have any shot at a peaceful future.
Ultimately our time together, all of the good that came from it, led to a shift in him. He made a decision to handle his past once and for all. He’d agree to a process that would be incredibly difficult, the fight of his life but the only way to go from darkness to light truthfully and with certainty. We had made plans to go to New Orleans for his birthday. It was my gift to him. I had to cancel it. He booked a trip for us to go to New York at Christmastime so he can meet my family. We had the desire to move forward together and make all our beautiful dreams reality. However, we reached a point where we both realized that even though our feelings of love are real, we started out in darkness, found light in one another but must trust the light within ourselves.
That’s the only way to stand strong on your own so you can love unconditionally. We must go from darkness to light for ourselves and by ourselves. We can’t depend on another person to do for us what we must do for ourselves. We have to connect to our own light, the divine source within and make that connection the top priority. Then we become independent and are then able to enter a relationship from a solid place of certainty. We all deserve to feel that, give that and receive that. To truly care for another we must care for ourselves first and most.
The light is within us. People may try to snuff it out but it’s always there. Sometimes it takes someone else really special to remind us of this and set us onto a new path of rediscovery of self. From there all greatness comes.
Kabbalah teaches the power of restriction. It says that when we restrict from doing the thing that will fill our egos the most, we allow for blessings to find us. Right now I must allow my boyfriend the space he needs to walk this path to peace. It’s hard. I don’t want him to forget me and all the greatness we shared. But, that’s ego. I catch myself. I ask for the light to give me strength. If I really want a future with him, I have to allow the time and space and send love every time I think of him. This weekend is his 51st birthday. I’ll send him a well wish and then I will release the beautiful chaotic loving mix of what we had into the universe with love, compassion and grace. I am forever changed. I know he is too. We are finally truly on our way from darkness to light.
Lisa Concepcion, writer, speaker, vlogger and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching™ is a Professional Life Coach specializing in dating, relationships and self-love. Originally from New York now based in Miami, Lisa candidly shares the valuable lessons she learns on her own LoveQuest journey offering online workbooks and video workshops, group workshops, one-on-one sessions, and seminars, to help people attract, give and keep love starting with love of self. Connect with Lisa via her YouTube Channel or by visiting LisaConcepcion.com