Break Your Trauma Bond
If you want to break a trauma bond it’s important to first understand what a trauma bond is. Simply put, a trauma bond is a cycle of abuse where there’s a pattern of chaotic, volatile emotional inconsistency.
There are very high highs in the trauma bond relationship. There’s usually love bombing especially after a fight or when consequences for bad treatment take hold.
When things are good they are “stellar.” This lasts for a period of time but then the storm hits and you’re back in the low of the low.
An argument happens because heaven forbid the relationship is peaceful and harmonious. Nope, a trauma bond needs the drama.
You can tell you’re addicted to the trauma bond relationship dynamic when you say…
“I always go for the bad boys or the crazy ones.”
“I get bored in relationships, nice guys are boring.”
“People fight. It’s normal.”
“They can go days without talking to me.”
“I have to be careful with what I say or do because I don’t want there to be any trouble.”
There are many more phrases that indicate trauma bonds.
People who are trauma bonded make excuses for their abuse and abuser.
Some may blame the person’s upbringing, culture, ethnicity.
“Well his father was an alcoholic so… of course he struggles with alcohol but I don’t bother him when he drinks. I'll just keep quiet.”
Or… “well her mother was a control freak and her dad left when she was 7 so this is why she is the way she is.”
These excuses keep you stuck in the trauma bond and are rooted in codependency. You’re hypersensitive to their needs, demands and mood.
You forget about yourself.
Your worthiness and mood depends on their opinion of you.
If their gaze upon you is positive, then you feel fulfilled.
The second they turn angry, critical, despondent you feel the anxiety well up in your body.
Perhaps you feel an ache in your neck, have a breakout on your face or chest, feel a knot in the pit of your stomach where you can’t eat, a migraine. Pay attention to your body and health.
What to do to end a trauma bond.
If you are reading this nodding your head saying whoa this is me!! I am trauma bonded and I need to get out of this, take action and reach out to me here via this Free Assessment.
If you already took the free assessment or want to skip that step and get immediate solutions for your trauma bond so you can break it and heal fully, you can schedule a one on one session with me where we will get you the clarity and quite frankly, the support you need to leave this abusive relationship.
The main thing to understand here is that you will not be able to change them. Ever.
They chose you for a reason.
They are predatory and unfortunately, due to reasons I can help you to clearly see, you were and are their prey.
When you decide to heal whatever it is in you that makes you perfect prey for them, your life begins to change, health improves, money starts to flow, opportunities come into your life and you even reverse aging.
Ever see someone post before and after photos on social media of them when they were in their trauma bonded toxic relationship then a year later?
Their skin is glowing, they have a light in their eyes again and they look joyful and radiant.
Predatory narcissistic types steal your joy, destroy your self esteem and make you question your reality.
The problem with the trauma bond which I help people to deal with is the inability to leave despite knowing the relationship is terrible.
Inner Child Work and Shadow Work a powerful tool to end the trauma bond and heal.
The most effective modality I teach is Inner Child and Shadow Work. This is how I cured myself of codependency, learned how to love myself and be self advocating through boundary setting and identifying standards.
The part of this work which is most empowering is developing a personal contract with new agreements that you make with yourself.
This is how you begin to take control over yourself, regain your self trust and personal power.
The process calls for you to connect with the wounded versions of yourself perhaps from childhood, teen years, 20's, 30's etc… and ask them what they need that they wish they got but never did.
Then you commit to giving them whatever they say.
Lanie’s true story with trauma bonding.
For example, Lanie, 38, was the oldest of 3 sisters. When her dad cheated on her mom she was 12. She was riding her bike and saw her father kissing a neighbor in his car blocks away.
She didn’t know that her father saw her riding her bike down the street and assumed she saw.
When he got home about an hour later, he asked Lanie to step outside to have a talk with her.
He asked her what she saw and Lanie said, “nothing.”
He knew she was lying and yelled “don’t lie to me” and slapped her in the face. She fell to the ground crying.
Her mother came running asking what happened and Lanie shaken up and angered sobbed holding her face. Her dad lied and said, I caught Lanie riding her bike in the street and she lied and said she wasn’t.
Lanie stood up, wiped her tears and calmly said… “you are a liar. I saw you kissing Jenny, the neighbor up the street and you asked me if I saw and, yes, I lied and said no. So you slapped me across the face.”
She left her parents there stunned. She was so composed and so calm. Lanie went to her room and decided that her father was dead to her from that moment on.
Her father was highly narcissistic so he would try to rattle Lanie’s cage by being extra nice to her younger sisters, spoiling the youngest one.
Lanie didn’t care.
Her parents divorced by the time she was 15.
She decided never to see her father.
Fast forward to adult Lanie, who came to me trying to get out of a 6 year trauma bond, said… “I know exactly what is happening and why but I can’t leave this guy. He’s just like my father. He cheated on me twice and I took him back and he’s probably cheating now.”
When I catch him and threaten to leave and move in with my sister, he lures me back.
Why can’t I just stay out and end it?
This is the most common question and Inner Child Work and Shadow Work gets to the bottom of it.
How?
By connecting to the wounded version who is running the show when it comes to relationships.
There’s a split.
There’s Lanie, the 38 year old grown adult woman who wants peace and joy in her life.
Then there’s little Lanie at 12, 15, and younger Lanie at 25, 30 etc… who chooses men who are like her father because it is familiar.
Lanie excelled professionally because she saw how her mother struggled after the divorce. She struggled too by default. She went from having her own room to having to be 3 girls in a room during her teenage years, a time where girls want and need privacy.
Lanie decided I will never, ever depend on a man because they lie and cheat and I have to protect myself.
So the wounded versions of us can also motivate us to excel in certain aspects of life.
Lanie wanted to get her love life in order and heal once and for all.
I helped Lanie meet her younger wounded versions.
I took her through a process that encourages deep self connection, acknowledgement, self validation, self care, and when necessary, self discipline.
Lanie got to ask each wounded version of herself what she fears, what she wished her parents knew about her, how she needed to be shown love, and revealed her truth boldly.
Lanie would get enraged with her partners and instead of leaving them at the first sign of abuse, she would argue her way to prove herself right.
She projected unresolved anger she had towards her father onto the men she’d be in relationships with. These men were always avoidant, controlling, manipulative and gave Lanie the familiar feeling of having to earn love and prove her goodness.
After 12 weeks of weekly sessions, Lanie was fully integrated. She took full responsibility for all of these inner little Lanies. She was in charge of their well being, their peace, their care and set some clear standards for who was allowed near these girls.
Her wounded inner children were no longer allowed to choose men. Adult Lanie took on that responsibility which empowered her to be a fierce protector of her girls.
She felt powerful for the first time in her life.
She even took a trip to visit her father and tell him about the work she was doing and that she wanted to forgive him.
She let go of all the anger and freed herself.
She explained her perspective as a kid. She didn’t accuse her dad of anything. She simply said, “Dad, from my perspective my entire 12 year old life was over at that moment I saw you kissing Jenny.”
She explained that she was so scared didn’t want her father to leave that she lied.
“Dad, I was so angry because I was trying to keep us together. If I lied and said I saw nothing you wouldn’t leave. And you slapped me and then lied to mom blaming me for something I did not do.”
She said, “I hated you for this for years and I’m done with the hate. I am done wanting you to apologize to me. I am done wondering what you think about me. I’m done having this mess me up in one relationship after the next.
You did what you did and you live with it.
It’s not mine to live with anymore. “
She texted me from her hotel room.
“Lis I did it. Holyshit! I told my dad what we talked about, letting go. I did it! I feel like I was carrying a piano on my back through life and in one instant… wooosh. I feel lighter. I have no idea what kind of relationship we will have from here, if any. But for the first time in my life, I feel like an adult. I feel like a badass. I will never let anyone make these little girls feel like they aren’t enough or wrong for being honest and true to themselves ever again.”
This is the power of Inner Child Work and Shadow Work. It’s a game changer and the next step after years of therapy.
Therapy tells you why you are the way you are. Coaching helps you move forward by choosing to be someone new; empowered, certain, self loving, secure and grounded in faith.
Inner Child work helps you to truly see these other versions of you who will always be a part of you as your responsibility.
No one will ever take better care of you than yourself, nor should they.
Inner Child Work empowers people to love themselves first, most, best and always.
And…when you reach that level of self love, you’re no longer able to attract a trauma bonded relationship.
You’re no longer prey.
If you’re reading this to this point, take action. Don’t waste another minute stuck trying to get them to see the light, to change, to love you the way you want them to. It won’t happen and it not because you aren’t good enough.
It won’t happen because you stay and tolerate the abuse cycle and remain trauma bonded.
Click here and commit to learning to love yourself. Ending a trauma bond begins with the decision to do so then taking action to follow through on your decision.
You got this and I can help.
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