Here's Why You Attract Narcissists and How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
Are you truly ready to understand why you attract narcissists and how to stop? This is a relationship pattern you must break immediately. Perhaps you Google and YouTube searched this very important question.
Q: What is it about me that attracts narcissistic people?
This is the most powerful question you can ask.
Congratulations!! If you are searching YouTube and Google for information on what you can do to stop attracting narcissists, then you are already taking self loving action. Keep going!
Instead of giving the narcissistic abuser even more power, you have chosen to take full responsibility for your life.
Good for you!!
You are ready to start loving yourself as you wished your ex loved you.
By this point you are frustrated that despite going “no contact”’ with your narcissistic ex, and blocking them on social media (or trying to…) you still find yourself consumed with thoughts of them.
This is normal. It’s all part of the healing process and yes, you can take action to speed up the healing.
Perhaps you’re afraid that you’ll attract yet another narcissist and fear dating again.
This is a normal concern of everyone I have ever consulted with and helped heal from narcissistic abuse. When you learn how to trust yourself and establish solid boundaries, you won’t appeal to narcissists anymore.
At this point, you’re done with analyzing the narcissist. You’re done with trying to climb into their head, obsessing over why they are the way are, why they treat you as they do hoping they’ll change.
You know they won’t change and you have reached a point of no return. You asked “the powerful question.”
Why do I attract narcissists in the first place and how do I stop attracting narcissists?
Here are a few possible reasons…
You have childhood traumas and bad programming about love.
Perhaps your parents taught you that you had to “be good” in order to receive love leading you to believe that love was earned by acquiescing to the adults around you.
You caught on early in life that for your survival, you couldn’t cry, get angry or show any displeasure or negative emotions. This programmed you to be a people pleaser. It taught you how to self abandon.
Your parents and adults around you didn’t model a positive relationship.
Perhaps there was divorce, abandonment, a feeling of emotional neglect, and you were raised by a narcissistic parent.
Your self perception, self esteem and self worth are all based on the seeds that were planted in childhood.
If the adults around you taught you that you earn love by pleasing them, then they’ve trained you to crave approval, validation and worthiness outside of yourself. This is how we become codependent.
And here’s the thing… all of these disempowering beliefs affect your energy and everything we attract is based upon our energy.
Codependent energy rooted in a chronic lack of self love, creates an energy that is magnetic to a predatory narcissist. The codependent is the giver and thinks, “if I give more to this person, I will show them and teach them how to love me.”
The narcissist isn’t interested in loving you. They are interested in getting narcissistic supply from you by controlling you.
To stop attracting narcissists and toxic takers, you must learn how to advocate for yourself.
But how??
First, understand where your worthiness truly comes from (hint hint)… it doesn’t come from people.
Second, commit fully to yourself and do whatever it takes to heal childhood and past traumas. Narcissists prey upon the bruised, wounded and broken.
The second you take self loving action and commit the time, money and energy to your self care and healing, you put up an energetic boundary repelling narcissists.
The more you cultivate self love, self advocacy and self confidence, the less attractive you are to narcissists and the more attractive you are to peaceful, joyous, mature, stress free relationships.
Self loving, self advocating, happy, confident, people repel narcissists, invite in self loving, happy confident people and enjoy solid, loving relationships rooted in respect.
Ready to level up on the self love? I have a Facebook Group called The Self Love Club designed to teach people how to create their best life starting by loving themselves first most best and always.
Integration is the key to your healing.
Maybe you already been to therapy, read a bunch of books, maybe even went to workshops, seminars or retreats, invested time and money, but nothing sticks.
You still have relationship patterns that have you anxious, stressed out, depressed and fearful.
Here you are again on Google and YouTube trying to find out how to stop attracting narcissists for good.
I know it’s frustrating.
I also know exactly why the work you’ve done thus far hasn’t solved the problem.
You learned tons about narcissistic abuse and the narcissists themselves. You can hop into a Facebook group and join in discussions about trauma bonding and gaslighting.
The problem is you haven’t integrated all you’ve learned.
That’s what I help people to do. I had to do it for myself back in 2015. I had to learn all about codependency and how to develop self love but then actually apply all I learned to my life every day.
Integration is application of information to achieve transformation.
Integration is how you actually transform your mind through daily self loving action and this takes self discipline, a total mindset shift.
Going shopping, getting massages, mani-pedis and treating yourself to a delicious dinner for one are all important forms of self care.
And yes, self care is an important part of self love however, integration runs much much deeper.
Integration means you are applying concepts to your lifestyle to change in a positive, lasting way.
Integration is how we reprogram our subconscious mind and actually become someone new, a better, peaceful, secure, confident, version of ourselves.
I’ll share one of the many integration tactics I did that helped along my healing journey.
I set a curfew.
Yes, a curfew. I was 44 years old at the time of my “awakening” and all hell was breaking loose in my life. I had gotten into a trauma bonded, rebound relationship with a narcissistic sociopath as I was divorcing.
5 months later the narc discarded me and went back to his former supply. I was part of narcissistic triangulation.
After 2 weeks of being in a constant state of panic, unable to eat or sleep, awakening in a panic crying from my sleep I asked God. “What is it in me that got me here?”
What is it in me that attracted this?
I decided I would commit myself to my healing and I set a curfew.
10 pm weeknights and midnight on weekends.
At the time I lived on South Beach in Miami Florida; a full on party city. I would use partying as a way to escape. So you can imagine the FOMO I had (fear of missing out).
I decided no more! No more looking outside to feel good while ignoring the work I had to do on the inside.
I committed to transforming myself into the woman I knew I wanted to become. There was a future version of me and she was not codependent. She was a self loving badass, secure in her feminine energy.
I got to work. I took courses, hired coaches, Invested both time and money in myself.
I shared my journey on social media to hold myself accountable and started to get people messaging me.
After 90 days of focusing on myself and my inner work, and most importantly integrating all the information I was consuming; I started feeling stronger, more connected to myself and my creator.
I loved how I felt for the first time in a while. I gained clarity about myself, my worthiness, my standards and boundaries and radically changed my self talk.
I started to love myself the way I wanted others to love me.
I shared my journey on social media and the feedback inspired a career change. I became a Certified Life Coach because I wanted to teach others and help them climb out of the dark hole of codependency.
When I healed myself of codependency everything changed.
In 2016, I attracted a wonderful, kind great guy and was in a relationship for 4.5 years. It ran its course and we parted as friends late 2020.
In 2021, I met the man who is now my fiancée and I know that there’s no way I would have been a match to this incredible man without all the integration work I did and continue to do.
The integration piece is what’s missing if you’re still not attracting what and who you want.
If you read this far, I’m confident that you’re ready to actually learn how to love yourself, reprogram your subconscious mind, delete all that old garbage that were nothing but lies that kept you small and hungry for love outside of yourself. Would you agree?
I’m confident that you’re ready to trust your intuition and move along when you see a red flag. Yes?
Are you ready to learn how to handle the overthinking and the inner battles that keep you spinning in your head?
Then your next step, now that you know why you attract narcissists is to commit to reinventing yourself into a self loving, confident, magnetic person who will attract someone who will love you in return.
You deserve this! So let’s connect and get started. Message me if you found this article helpful and tell me about you.
Follow me on Instagram and on Tiktok @lisathelovecoach.
Join my Facebook Group the Self Love Club.
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel after Checking out this video on How To Heal From Narcissistic Abuse and Codependency.
Or take massive action and book a session with me today.
~Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Codependency Cure