How to Stop People Pleasing, What is at the Root of All People Pleasing

Do you have trouble saying no to people when they say they “need” your help or when they want you to listen to them complain about whatever they have going on in their life? 

Do you take on too much and then end up feeling scattered, overwhelmed or anxious? 

Do you need to feel needed and feel lost or useless, purposeless even if not coming to the aid of others? 

Do you always feel like you are  “on the go” marveling at how much you need to get done all of the time? 

Do you try to be “the bigger person” and refrain from expressing yourself, especially when a significant other, friend or family member comes at you in a way you don’t like? 

Do you tolerate poor treatment hoping they’ll change, so you give more as a way to teach them how to treat you, thinking they’ll reciprocate your good treatment of them? 

Do you resent yourself  and become self critical for being too nice, taking on too much? 

If you answered yes and are sitting there thinking, yup this is me to a tee, then your search for info on How to Stop People Pleasing led you here and this article will help you. 

Let’s get into how to stop people pleasing.

The first step is to understand what is at the root of pleasing people at your expense.

This is the key thing to get. It’s ok to please others. We all want to be kind, compassionate and pleasant to those we care about and work with. 

The problem is when all of this pleasing is done to get love, approval, goodness, validation from others because you’re unable to generate it for yourself. 

People pleasing is rooted in a dependency on others for your worthiness. This is a trap and here’s why. 

People come and go. They are fickle. Many move. Eventually they die. 

So if we hang our goodness, worthiness and value on what other people think and do, it’s not a solid source. 

Most importantly people can’t be made responsible for how we feel. If we depend on people to feel good about ourselves based upon their appreciation of what we give them then we’re easily exploited. 

Do you want the pressure of being responsible for how others feel? 

Learn to say no! 

Learn to give yourself time to think about how you feel about any request, a favor, lending money, going for Italian food versus Thai Food. Learn to explore what you want, what makes you happy. 

Learn to give yourself what you need before taking anything on. 

Learn to create a Personal Contract which details your policy on various things. Get as detailed as you want. Have a list of what you will and will not do. And… honor it. 

For example, my client Brianna, 49 was in a constant state of anxiety about her business because she chose to take on more than she was able to. 

She was short staffed and was presented with an opportunity to take on another project that would make her more money but at what cost? Her sanity and peace. 

But here’s the kicker. She didn’t even care about the money. That came second. She told me in our session that she “didn’t want to let her colleague down.” 

Ah ha! The fear of letting others down. That’s a biggie and it’s how people manipulate us through guilt. It’s something to handle immediately. 

I asked her a few questions and she was able to trace the people pleasing back to her childhood. Her father left her mother. She stepped in as a surrogate father figure at 12 years old. 

She was the big sister who helped care for her siblings. Her mother was overwhelmed constantly and leaned on Brianna for not only chores but for emotional support too. 

I explained to Brianna that this was a form of neglect. The little ones (two sisters ages 9 and 7) were all the mother could focus on. What about you Brianna? 

She welled up. All I did was what my mom needed. I didn’t even think about how I felt. I couldn’t. I was always focused on my mom, my sisters. 

We dove into what Brianna needed as a kid. We did a process which I call “radical reconnection” where we go pay a visit to a wounded younger self and soothe them, uplift them and make them feel safe. Then the person I coach learns to take the lead as their new mentor, protector, parent figure who is now in charge. 

They learn a form of self care where they care for and meet the needs of their younger wounded self first. 

Once they learn to do this, they are able to move on to the next key step in stopping the chronic self abandonment through pleasing people; establishing boundaries and standards. 

Brianna admitted that setting boundaries was something she struggled with her whole life. 

She recalled a time in her life where she was 15 and excited to go to a friend's party. Her mother was overwhelmed when the youngest daughter became sick with a fever and an upset stomach. 

Her sister had been to the doctor that day and was resting but her mother just wanted Brianna around because it was Friday night and she felt lonely. 

Brianna remembered feeling like her stomach flipped and her neck grew tense. 

She went to her room and with tears in her eyes, called her friend and said she had to stay in. 

I asked her what she now thinks about that 15 year old version of herself. 

Brianna teared up even more. I knew she was heading for a big breakthrough. 

She was speaking to me as if she was 15. 

Imagine carrying this resentment around and self loathing around for over 2 decades?

She said, I wish I had the guts to say no mom. I had a tough week too and managed to get all A’s on all my quizzes at school and I deserve time with my friends. I’m 15. I get to have my own life too.  

She started crying. 

Why couldn’t I just say that? My whole life. I never actually said what I felt. 

Me: What do you think would happen if you said that? If you said ma, I love you but I’m going out for 3 hours and will be back by curfew. 

Brianna: My mother would think I was selfish and deserting her like my dad did. She threw that in my face. She’d guilt me.

Me: Ah, so at 15, she expected you to fill the emotional void of your dad leaving. 

Brianna: Yes. 

Me: How did you feel about your dad leaving? 

Brianna: Kind of relieved because he’d drink and be mean saying, “why couldn’t he have just one boy. Women. A house full of women.” 

Me: So deep down you were glad he left? 

Brianna: Yes but it was my secret. The family story was that we were all daddies girls, well behaved, always dressed cute, polite, never complained. 

Me: Yet both of your parents used you for their own selfish needs. Do you see how this taught you to be a people pleaser and lose yourself in what everyone else and… to self abandon? 

Brianna: And not only that… I see how no one was there for me. I have no idea how I managed to help my mother; I cooked, cleaned, handled my sisters and still had good grades and did not go down a bad path. I could have. Drugs were all over my school. 

Me: Brianna, with your permission, I’d like to demonstrate how to talk to that 15 year old version of you with the love and compassion she needed. Are you up for this little exercise? 

Brianna: Yes!

Me: Ok Brianna let’s go back to that night of the party after you called your friend to say you weren’t coming. Do you see her, in her room, what she’s wearing? Close your eyes and describe her to me. 

Brianna: I’m wearing my favorite jeans and this purple and pink striped top which I loved. My hair is all done. I’m wearing lip gloss. And after I called my friend I just sat there on my bed. (tears streaming)

Me: How do you feel? 

Brianna: (sobbing) Defeated. Like I don’t have a life. Like my purpose is to cater to everyone else. How I feel doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. 

Me: Brianna, I’m going to knock on your door ok and then I’m going to come in and talk to you to demonstrate how you can talk to these wounded versions of you as your divine wise True Inner Self. 

You ready? Grab another tissue. People usually move a lot of energy during this exercise. (I knocked on my desk to bring sound into the exercise.) 

Brianna: Come in! 

Me: Hey beautiful kind girl. You are so good. You really are. You’re a good person. Do you know this? 

Brianna: Tears streaming, shrugs her shoulders. I feel like no one cares about me. Like being good means forgetting myself. 

Me: I want you to know that I’m the version of you who is closest to God and I see everything that goes on with you and I love you better and more than anyone ever will. My love, you are 15 and you love your mom and your sisters very much. 

And…from now on please know that it’s ok to be 15. 

You have a lot going on in your life and it’s unfair, not to mention unhealthy for your life to melt into your mothers life. 

So from now on, I’m going to allow you to do whatever it is you need to do to feel great and have fun. 

And… whenever someone asks you to do something for them, you and I are going to get together and take time to decide, yes… or no! 

And… I’m going to make sure from now on that you are not to be made to feel guilty or bad or wrong for saying no, politely and gracefully. 

I’m in charge of you now and you’re a great kid. You are enough just as you are and most of all you are loved by me, forever, no matter what. 

What do you have to say about that? 

Brianna: (Crying) Lisa, I wanted to hear this my whole life. I can see how I would be bossed around and manipulated by my narcissistic ex husband and how I showed up in that marriage as a 12-18 year old instead of a 35 year old. 

No wonder I attract narcissistic people. 

Takers!! I thought I was only loveable when they thought I was good which meant I had to sacrifice myself to please them. 

Me: Yup! Programming. Bad bad programming. Thick into the matrix. Ha! But now you can shift all of that. So what will you do the next time someone asks you to do something? 

Brianna: I won’t just reflexively say ok, I’ll do it. I’ll say let me see if I can do that and I’ll let you know. 

Me: Amazing!! Great job!! And what agreement will you make with yourself with regards to requests people make of you? 

Brianna: I no longer just answer yes. I allow time to consider how I feel, what I need and if I actually want to do it. If I don’t then I’m saying NO! And… just no. 

Me: Whoa! That’s big! Is there a process that would feel good for you like counting to 3 before responding or breathing in and out 3 times? Let’s practice and you can feel which fits you best. 

Brianna on Saturday can you help me move my table and center my rug in my living room and then we can go to have lunch, my treat!?

Brianna: Oh crap, I can feel me wanting just to blurt out ok sure what time. (Puts her hand on her heart and takes a deep breath.) 

Maybe but… let me see what else I have going on on Saturday and let you know by tomorrow. 

Me: How does that feel? Strange? It’s ok. With practice you’ll reprogram that Yes Girl crap right out of ya. 

Ok Brianna, now imagine I’m a guy who just took you on a 2nd date who says, how about we have dessert at my place or yours whichever you prefer. 

Brianna: Ummmm… ugh… well… 

Me: Are you ready to go to a man’s house or have him at yours after just 2 dates? 

Brianna: No. Definitely not. 

Me: Ok so why so squishy? Because… people pleasing. I want you to see how it shows up in life.

Brianna: Wow! I can see how after my divorce I would allow men to run me. I’d people please. I wanted them to like me. So I’d probably say something like, ok your place but just for a little bit and then we’d end up making out and one thing would lead to the next and then they’d pull back and it would fade and I’d feel awful. 

Me: People pleasing and a lack of boundaries are buddies. They go together. 

Ok so now that you know what you know and made a new agreement… What would you say to this eager guy? 

Brianna: How about… I’m having a lot of fun getting to know you. You’re great and I feel like after spending more time with you I’ll be ready to come to your home and have you at mine. How about we see where we’re at after our 4th date? By then we may even be in love, ha! Who knows! I do want dessert though and I know a great pastry spot a few blocks up. Let’s go. It’s so good. 

Me: Great answer! Playful, complimentary, confident and secure in your boundaries. You set the pace as a lady should. You showed interest and gave him a way to win with you. 

Well done!! 

This is just a snapshot of what people just like you achieve when they commit to working on themselves and hire me as their life coach. I make it fun and we accomplish a lot. 

If you see yourself in Brianna and want to learn how to stop people pleasing without becoming bitchy or aloof, then let’s connect. If you want a life coach to help you stop people pleasing, that’s my jam. 

You can begin with reaching out to me directly here and share a bit about what’s going on in your life and how people pleasing is getting in the way of your peace. 

To learn more about me and how I help people you can click here. 

To book a session with me you can click here. 

Glad you found me and I’m happy to help you. 

~Lisa